My birthday is coming up soon and people ask me what I want. Honestly, there isn’t any material thing that I want. What I really want is just a meaningful hug and to sit on the beach at night for a while with someone. Basically, I just want to be okay for a little while. Or well, have things seem okay even if just for a moment. I really don’t want anything else.
1:43
The thing is, you don’t realize how much you mean to me. How much I care about you. How much I miss you. How much I want you. How strong my feelings are for you. You won’t believe me when I tell you I miss you. I do miss you. of course I miss you. If I didn’t miss you would I text you good morning everyday, even when I know I won’t get a reply back? But I always hope. When someone tells me that I don’t mean what I say or they don’t believe the things I say especially when it comes to feelings, it really hurts. I don’t feel like explaining it but it does. I’ve stopped texting you because I feel like I’m bothering/wasting your time with my text messages. And you don’t care. And you could just care less. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk to you. I have to fight myself from trying to talk to you honestly. I really want to spend time with you. Blah.. Truth is, I am really attached to you. I am feeling things I haven’t felt in a very long time. I am beating myself up over these feelings. The bad things and even good things, because of you. Feelings can never lead to anything good. Or well, it leads to something good then ends bad. Someone always gets hurt. I guess that’s a good thing though because it always ends with me being the one who’s hurt. I’d rather be the one hurt than the one hurting someone so that’s fine. I’m just lost right now. I wish I knew what was going on, but I really just don’t. I need more distractions. To keep you off my mind. You may not know, believe, or care, but I really miss you. Maybe you’ll miss me at some point and make an effort to talk to me. Because it hurts trying to talk to you so I’ve stopped trying. Wish that would make it easier but it doesn’t. Ugh. And I’m happy but not that you don’t know exactly to what extent I feel about you.
Why can’t I just be okay? It’s been so long and it’s just ridiculous and I feel so stupid for not being okay.
Although I’ll be missing Shino’s graduation party, I’m really glad I get to go to work tomorrow since I didn’t go last week because of project grad. I’ve been in such a bad place lately and at work, I feel great. I feel like I make a difference and am cared about and all the big hugs, smiles, and even kisses sometimes from all the little ones just fill me up
with joy. It’s much needed. Plus it’s graduation for them. And my mind won’t be where it has been lately. Well, at least for four hours it won’t be.
